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How Do You Cope?
"Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.” - Virginia Satir
The Mind, Explored.
December 17, 2023
Meet Jimmy - a 35-year-old investment banker.
His firm didn’t make a profit this year, and costs needed to be cut. Unfortunately for Jimmy, he was made redundant.
One minute, Jimmy had a stable income. The next, he couldn’t pay his mortgage. All while having to process the sudden shock.
That’s a lot to cope with.
Overwhelmed, Jimmy dealt with his stress in the only way he knew: cigarettes and alcohol.
This gave Jimmy immediate relief but, as the days went by, only worsened his problems by taking a toll on his body, upsetting his wife, and deepening the financial hole he was in.
One day, Jimmy's friend, who had been made redundant the year before, gave him hope that this could be a blessing in disguise.
After being comforted by his friend, Jimmy began to plan. He made a list of what he could and could not control. He strategised how he could turn this obstacle into an opportunity.
As he sat down with his family to explain how to restructure their wealth, Jimmy rediscovered his passion for teaching.
He now teaches Economics full-time at his local school, has quit smoking, and tries to meditate when he feels stressed.
Not only is Jimmy grateful for changing careers, but he has learned healthier ways of coping.
Insight:
Coping is our way of dealing with stress.
The word ‘cope’ originates from ‘couper’, an Old French word meaning ‘to engage in combat’, reflecting just how actively we must respond to stress.
Healthy coping mechanisms are soothing and support us to respond productively to stress.
Examples: going for a walk, problem-solving, and finding the good in a bad situation.
Unhealthy coping mechanisms can be destructive and worsen stress by causing more problems.
Examples: drowning our sorrows with alcohol, refusing to talk to someone, and self-harm.
“When our ability to cope healthily is overwhelmed, we default to unhealthy coping mechanisms.”
Coping comes in stages:
Stage 1 - Processing your emotions:
Emotion-based coping strategies help manage the feelings that arise with stress, reducing the risk of harmful behaviour driven by emotion.
Healthy Examples:
| Unhealthy Examples:
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Controlled distraction can be helpful to settle your emotions - but it’s important to acknowledge that this is only the first stage of coping.
Stage 2 - Problem-solving:
Problem-based coping strategies directly address the root cause of stress, hopefully leading to a resolution. The outcome may even be better than what existed before.
Healthy Examples:
| Unhealthy Examples:
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Changing what you can control and accepting what you can’t control simplifies problem-solving, as the Serenity Prayer so gracefully puts it:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
There are some situations where we cannot solve the problem (e.g. losing a loved one). In these cases, the way we process our emotions and find meaning is especially important.
Stage 3 - Meaning-making:
Finding the meaning in what you’ve experienced can help you make peace with it and lead to greater fulfilment.
Healthy Examples:
| Unhealthy Examples:
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Tool:
To help yourself:
When you feel overwhelmed: journal.
When you feel unstimulated: read.
When you feel angry: exercise.
When you feel lost: walk in nature.
When you feel disorganised: tidy and plan.
When you feel run down: drink tea and rest.
When you feel defeated: find the win in your loss.
When you feel lonely: connect with pets or a friend.
When you feel uninspired: shower to engage your senses.
When you feel low: list three things you’re grateful for.
When you feel guilty: reflect on the opportunity for growth.
When you feel jealous: focus on what makes you unique.
When you feel anxious: meditate on the here and now.
When you feel irritated: ask yourself if this will matter in 5 years time.
To help a friend:
When a friend comes to you under stress, the best way for you to help depends on their stage of coping. Ask them if they want:
a healthy distraction
someone to listen
advice
Prompt:
Which unhealthy coping mechanisms do you default to when overwhelmed?
When you next feel that your healthy coping strategies are being overwhelmed, try to catch yourself from sliding down the slippery slope to unhealthy coping strategies. Instead, try something new from the solutions above.
Resources on Coping:
One book: Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? (Julie Smith)
One podcast: 8 Steps to Relieve Stress (The Mindset Mentor)
One film: Good Will Hunting (Gus Van Sant)
Written by Dr Manu Sidhu 🩺
If you’re interested in hearing founders, investors, and experts explain how technology is being leveraged to improve mind health, check out the MindTech Podcast, also hosted by Dr Manu Sidhu.
The most recent episode is with Neil Smith, the Co-founder and CEO of Mettle - the first mental fitness toolkit for men. Available on Spotify and on YouTube.
Feel free to email back with any thoughts, questions, or ideas for us to explore.
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